The new year has begun and I am determined to make it a good one. I will conquer whatever challenges I encounter and move forward as a widow, a single person, whatever you want to call me.
I appear to others to be adjusted, back to normal. However there is a numbness in life that I am aware of. I haven’t quite gotten a grasp on this new normal for me. That may be due to not having completed the final steps in Ron’s passing yet.
The final steps, I think, will be picking up Ron’s ashes and flag from the cremation society, making the arrangements for and completing his burial, and the Celebration of Life which is scheduled March 6th. I believe that those steps will bring to a culmination the reality of his passing.
I have started to do some cleaning out around the house, but not of a personal nature. I have eliminated foods that Ron ate and I didn’t, rearranged some things to my liking rather than a compromised liking. However Ron’s wallet still sits on the charging station where he always left it, the collection of his stuff on the master bath counter that I always found irritating when he was alive remain there. I have not yet unpacked the duffle bag of clothes that I took to hospice for him. I have not downloaded the pictures from his camera of his last photo shoot. I still wear my wedding rings every day.
Those things, and the fact that our house is a mixture of him and I, leave the feeling that this is all a dream and he will one day return. Realistically I know that is not true. Emotionally it is a security blanket.
It has only been one month since Ron passed on December 7, 2015. In some ways it feels like it just happened, in other ways it seems like it has been ages ago. That just goes with my feelings of Numbness in Life.