Category Archives: freindship

Friend Frustration

It is a difficult dilemma, deciding how you want to handle a friendship that has times that are good and times that are frustrating.  This was a difficult situation, one which I contemplated over for literally months.  I hope the end result has a positive outcome.  The ultimate deciding factor was based on two areas that came into play….the friend’s emotional needs and my emotional needs.

This friendship is long-term.  We were very close for eight years, then completely out of contact for twenty-nine years.  In 2009 we connected on Facebook, doing the occasional Instant-Messenger chat, commenting on each other’s posts from time-to-time.  Nothing major.  Just casual contact.   That all changed in 2015.

In 2015 I was making regular trips back to my hometown to work on cleaning out my parent’s home.  My friend suggested we go out to dinner, and after about three months I finally agreed.  It was like deja vu.  Friends - someone is special when you eventually get together again and its like you didn't miss a beat

He picked me up at my parent’s home, which had the same furniture it did when he last set foot in it back in 1980.  We had a great time chatting about his marriage and kids, my husband’s battle with cancer and my kids.  We talked about our siblings and parents.  A connection that went way back.  It was a wonderful evening and after dinner we went back to the house, I invited him in and we continued to talk for a couple more hours before he went home.

It was a connection we were glad was re-established.  Throughout that summer I was making frequent trips into town hand he would on occasion stop by and visit for a couple hours.  It was a nice friendship, familiar, comfortable, but different.  We also maintained contact with conversations on Instant Messenger and an occasional telephone call.

We both realized that there was still an attraction there.  However we were both married and did not step outside of the boundaries of respective marriages.  Then the playing field changed.  My husband lost his battle with cancer.  We maintained the messenger and telephone contact for about three months, and then it tapered off.  He stopped responding to emails or instant messages for extended periods of time.

Friends - someone who speaks to you on their free time v someone who frees time to speak to youI found this frustrating as he suffers from depression and I would wonder how he was doing.  Then suddenly I would receive an email or message.  There were always reasons for his disappearance…busy, kids, grandchildren, sickness, depression…but were they reasons, or excuses?   In my opinion there is a fine line between the two, and I wasn’t quite sure on which side it fell.  Things would improve for a bit but eventually would fall back into the old pattern.

After a while I decided I wasn’t going to continue to pursue a one-sided friendship in which I always initiated the contact.  Instead I would wait and see what happened, and each time I did that I would ultimately receive a message from him usually by email.  He would apologize for his lack of contact and say he had been busy, sick, depressed, whatever, always wanting to preserve the friendship.  And so the cycle went.  This became a roller coaster ride that was irritating.  I didn’t like the feeling that I was making the effort and he was responding when it suited him.  I want the friendship, but not on those terms.  friendship - ignore me and I will ignore you

March 30th of this year rolled around and I received another email.   This one got down to the emotional nitty-gritty, it was honest.  The best one I’ve received because it got to the core of the situation.   He wants to remain friends, but the line is grey for him right now.  There are a lot of factors I am aware of but am not going to elaborate on.  Let’s just say that email put everything into perspective.  He is trying to get his mind straight and I have to be removed from the picture for now.  I’m good with that.  He closed with “Hopefully your friend.”

So what did I do?  I responded.  I don’t know if my response helped or hurt him in his situation, but it helped me in mine.  I was honest.  I told him we are still friends but that I find the friendship frustrating, that a person’s interest in maintaining a friendship is related to their response or lack thereof.   I pointed out that they say ex-lovers can be friends for one of two reasons:  either they were never in love or they still are.  That is the grey area.  I have accepted my grey area and can live with it.  A ghost from the past is not the reality of the present.  We are both different people than we were in 1980.

Then I tossed the ball in his court.  I can handle the give-and-take of being friends, but it is his decision on whether to respond and maintain the friendship.  If he decides to respond great.  If not I move on and don’t worry about it.  This decision was based on my emotional needs, not his, but it also supports his need for distance at this time.

So now I wait.  We are still connected on Facebook.  He has “liked” a couple of my posts; I have “liked” a couple of his.  Do I hope he contacts me at some point in the future?  Absolutely.  I will always be his friend, that is a given.  He is intelligent, funny, challenges the brain.  We have a past, a comfort level of true friends, a connection that can not be replaced.

I hope that right now we are just taking a break and that eventually the friendship is re-established on a more personal level.  However I will not allow my emotions to feel trampled by the friendship.  That is also a given and I have made that clear to him through my actions.

And that, my friends, is how you deal with a frustrating friendship.

 

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Filed under communication, Coping, decisions, Discoveries, freindship, friends, friendship, habit, impressions, Life Changing, Life is a Melting Pot, mind, reality, time

The Power of Touch

The other night as I lay in bed for hours unable to fall asleep, my mind began circling and the result is the topic of this blog.  The power of touch is necessary to the well-being of the human soul, it can bring comfort, love, relaxation, excitement, security and more.

Touch - the first languageWhen a child is born touch brings it comfort.  You hold it, rock it, feed it.  You do those things when it is happy, you do those things when it is stressed.  The baby learns love thought the power of touch.  To an adult, there is nothing as unique and cozy as a small infant cuddled up against your neck sleeping.

As the infant grows into a toddler and young child touch makes them feel safe, secure, and loved.  They cuddle in your lap, hold your hand when walking in public places, hug you when you are leaving or have arrived, climb into your bed when they awaken at night.  The power of touch is important to the child’s emotional well-being and growth.

As the child becomes a teen their desire for touch moves away from the parents and more toward members of the opposite sex in their own age group.  Teens are often seen showing public displays of affection — hand holding, kissing, hugging, and more as hormones rage.  Touch is powerful.  touch - every day reach out and touch someone

As teens become adults outward public displays of affection calm down, but the need for them does not.  It just becomes more mature, more private.  Human touch provides a sense of security, love, and connection, especially when shared with a spouse or significant other.

Years ago I read that if you are having trouble sleeping you should touch your spouse or significant other.  Something as simple as placing a hand against their body will help you relax and fall asleep.  I found that it worked beautifully.  Although my husband and I quite often slept wrapped up around each other,  he would normally be asleep before I was in bed.  If I was having trouble falling asleep I would reach out and put my hand on him and usually within a few minutes I was able to doze off.  If he sensed me coming into bed he would roll over and cuddle up with me.  If one of us was sick the other would wrap up around the sick one, bringing body warmth and comfort.  Human touch heals and relaxes.

touch - cuddling relieves depressionThat is why I was writing this post in my head as I lay in bed awake a few nights ago.  My husband passed away fifteen months ago.  I couldn’t sleep and I was laying in a lonely bed.   I missed having someone there to cuddle up to, to touch, to help me relax so I could doze off.

It is important as time passes on and things in your life change that you remember to fulfill those things that are necessary to your physical and emotional well-being.  The power of human touch is important.  If it has disappeared from your life revitalize it through whatever means you deem appropriate.   The power of touch heals, empowers, and fulfills the emotional and physical needs to provide an overall sense of well-being.

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Filed under children, communication, Coping, Family, freindship, friends, friendship, grandchildren, home, Life is a Melting Pot, marriage, mind, parents, reality

Crash and Climb

We all have a vision of how our life will be, who will be a part of our journey, our plans and dreams for the future.  Sometimes that plan goes untested.  Sometimes it has twists and turns, and those can lead to the ultimate crash.

When you crash you have two options — Crash and Burn or Crash and Climb.  If you crash and burn you have allowed circumstances to take control of your life.  Instead you need to crash and climb out of the rubble, rebuilding your life.  Remap your life, make new plans and dreams.  Great things can happen that would never have occurred before you hit that wall.comfort-zone-adventure-out-of-it-to-grow

During the climb you will learn new skills, new relationships will form.  People will enter your life and impact you in ways you never before imagined.  They may influence the way you conduct business, handle finances, travel, view life, invade your mind or leave a mark on your heart.

I hit a brick wall fourteen months ago when my husband lost his battle with cancer.  I have spent the past year climbing out of the rubble and rebuilding my life.  A good friend has knowingly or unknowingly guided me in the process.  They have pushed me beyond my comfort zone, asked questions to inspire my thought process.  Not judgmental, but thought provoking inquiries such as “How do you plan to do that?”  and “What are your plans for the future?”

I am happy with my life.  It isn’t what I originally planned, but that is okay.  I have climbed out of the rubble and embraced the change.  I have done things I never would have done prior to the crash.  I have developed friendships I never would have made before I hit that wall.

No matter how good life was before the crash, embrace the change.  Value the friendships.  Enjoy the journey.  Believe that the best is yet to come.

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Filed under Coping, decisions, Discoveries, freindship, friends, friendship, Life Changing, Life is a Melting Pot

Remember The Good Ole Days When People Talked To Each Other?

Have you ever looked around at people when out in public?  Have you considered your own conduct when socializing with others?  What about the way you make and maintain friendships?  We have become a society in which a large portion of our social interactions are electronically based.

I think there is both a positive and a negative to this development.  Social media…blogs, Twitter, Pinterest, Facebook, Google+, Stumble On, etc. are all great places for exchanging information and keeping in touch with others.  Social media is especially helpful in allowing families to stay in touch when they reside in various spots around the country and/or world.  I spend a fair  amount of time on Facebook and Pinterest so I am not at all opposed to it, but I do have some concerns.social-interaction-pay-attention-on-twitter

People are losing the ability and/or willingness to deal with people on a personal level.  They are unable to tuck their cell phones away and simply have a meal or conversation without repeatedly checking their phone.  Not because they are receiving phone calls, but because they are viewing their media feed, texting, posting articles, or other such activities.

I will admit to on occasion doing the “check-in” post letting my friends know where I am at and/or what I am doing.  Pictures of meals, selfies of people and who they are dining with have become common place.  People don’t sit at a table and converse with each other, they sit across from each other, each on their phones a/k/a social media.

social-media-strap-phone-to-foreheadA couple years ago my husband and I were in a restaurant that was quite busy and we had to wait for our table.  I was looking around the restaurant and I  mentioned to him that he and I looked very out of place.  The reason being we were the only two people in the entire restaurant, both the dining and bar areas, who were not on our phones.  We were talking to each other instead!  That is sad….people are losing the human connection.

It has gone so far that some restaurants have pads attached to the tables for games, order placing, paying bills, etc.  No human interaction.  What kind of message is this sending to our youth, and what will the overall affect be on society?

There is nothing on social media that cannot wait.  If your family really needs to reach you they will call.  The jokes, posts, news articles, photographs, and more that are posted on a regular basis do not have to be reviewed every ten minutes, thirty minutes, or hour.  If you miss a few the world is not going to come to a screeching halt.  Heck, people have become so self-absorbed they probably won’t even realize you are missing.

So what should you do instead?  Take a break.  Go to dinner, have a conversation, go for a walk, and don’t check your phone and/or post for at least an hour or two.  At first it may seem difficult, depending on how much of an addict you are.  However I would be willing to bet that you will find it refreshing and strive for more unconnected periods of time.  You may end up like me, wondering why people can’t just step away at least a few hours a day.  social-interaction-human-more-important

Look at it this way.  Life is meant to be experienced live, not through the power of electronics.

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Filed under communication, Discoveries, exploration, freindship, friends, friendship, habit, Life Changing, Life is a Melting Pot, mind

Back to the Basics

We live in a rush, hurry up world and if you watch people some of them just plain forget to be polite or simply don’t care.  Tim McGraw recently released a song “Humble and Kind” and it quickly became one of my all-time favorites.  13925108_10154040972888300_4847703994503657380_n

It is important to remember that everyone has value.  You may not personally like the person you are dealing with, and some people leave a lot to be desired, but we should try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

I think the basic message of the song says it all — you should treat people kindly, live your life honestly, and don’t let your achievements go to your head….stay humble and kind.   Remember the things taught by parents and grandparents.  Work for your achievements.   Kick back and enjoy the basics in life.    I’ve attached the full lyrics below as well as a link to hear the song.

I hope all of you live the remainder of your life humble and kind.

“Humble And Kind”
(written by Lori McKenna)

You know there’s a light that glows by the front door
Don’t forget the key’s under the mat
When childhood stars shine,
Always stay humble and kind

Go to church ’cause your mamma says to
Visit grandpa every chance that you can
It won’t be wasted time
Always stay humble and kind

Hold the door, say “please”, say “thank you”
Don’t steal, don’t cheat, and don’t lie
I know you got mountains to climb
But always stay humble and kind
When the dreams you’re dreamin’ come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride
But always stay humble and kind

Don’t expect a free ride from no one
Don’t hold a grudge or a chip and here’s why:
Bitterness keeps you from flyin’
Always stay humble and kind

Know the difference between sleeping with someone
And sleeping with someone you love
“I love you” ain’t no pick-up line
So always stay humble and kind

Hold the door, say “please”, say “thank you”
Don’t steal, don’t cheat, and don’t lie
I know you got mountains to climb
But always stay humble and kind
When those dreams you’re dreamin’ come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride
But always stay humble and kind

When it’s hot, eat a root beer popsicle
Shut off the AC and roll the windows down
Let that summer sun shine
Always stay humble and kind

Don’t take for granted the love this life gives you
When you get where you’re going don’t forget turn back around
And help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind

 

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Too Busy for Friends

I saw a quote that made me wonder about friendships/relationships.  The quote dealt with people who make excuses that they are too busy to respond or don’t put forth an effort to maintain contact.  If a person is interested in being a part of your life, then they will make some effort to be in it.  life - if someone wants to be in it they will make time

This involved both self reflection and viewpoint on people I deal with.  I realized that because my husband and I enjoyed spending the majority of our free time together without the involvement of others I am in the habit of doing things on my own rather than calling a friend to go with me.  Now that my husband is deceased I need to train myself to make contact with people, become more social.  Habits are hard to break and I am concerned that people may view my lack of initiating contact as lack of interest.  I need to break the mold and step outside my safety box into new thinking.

I realize that people who reached out to me about getting together for dinner, etc. may think I’m not interested in maintaining the friendship when I don’t reciprocate with similar suggestions,  when in reality it is because I need to reprogram my brain to reach out to others for friendship.  I will say that when people suggest a get together I am happy to join them.  I am also responsive on social media or email, and will make first contact on social media.  I am not totally unsocial, I just have areas that need improvement.  I did take a step in the right direction last week when a couple artists were talking about going out to dinner after an event and I asked if I could join them.   It was a wonderful, fun evening.

life - ignoring you - will you make an effortNow on the other side of the coin, we all know people we have made the effort to maintain contact with and yet the responses are not forthcoming or we get excuses of “I was going to write/call/respond but have been busy.”  I can understand that from time to time, but when the lack of response become repetitive you have to wonder where you fall on their list of friendship priorities.  Somewhere you have to draw the line and decide you are moving on and if they want to be a part of your life they will notice your disappearance and seek you out.  If they don’t you haven’t lost anything.  Life - Priorities - your place on their schedule

We live in a busy, fast-paced world where people don’t interact on a personal level so much as on a social media level.  We need to re-establish the art of friendship.  Reach out to people.  Respond when they reach out to you.  When you are with a friend put down the phone and talk to the person you are with.  Make people you want to spend time with a priority in your life.  If people don’t make you a priority in theirs then you know where you stand and it is time to move on.

 

 

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Filed under assumptions, decisions, Discoveries, Family, freindship, friends, friendship, impressions, Life is a Melting Pot, mind

The Gift You Are

This morning I was listening to some music and the song The Gift You Are by John Denver came on.  It is a wonderfully simple, basic song and yet it says so much.  Each person has value, each person is like a ray of sunshine in the world.  How often this is forgotten.

There are two things we tend to do.  The first is we tend to lose value in ourselves.  It is easy to become overwhelmed with the stresses of life, especially when things are not going according to the plan we laid out.  It is easy to lose faith in your own ability to accomplish those things that are before you.

Sometimes it is not so much losing faith in yourself as disconnecting from the world, withdrawing as you try to deal with whatever is before you.  That is when it is important to dream of a bright tomorrow and know that your dream will come true.  Stay focused, remember that you have the ability to accomplish whatever you set your mind to…remember The Gift You Are.

The second thing we as humans tend to do is judge others, or maybe I should say misjudge others.  We tend to make assumptions about the abilities of people who do not seem to have the same beliefs, mental abilities, physical abilities, or financial standing as ourselves.  When you do that what you are doing is devaluing the person.

Every person that you encounter has value, you just have to take the time to learn what that value is…maybe that value is they are just different from you and both of you can learn from the relationship.  A person with less mental capabilities may have strong determination to succeed, strong artistic talent, an unusual gentleness with animals.  Those are valuable qualities.   A person with physical disabilities may have undergone a struggle you are unaware of that shows their ability to persevere in times of struggle. These are valuable qualities, remember the gift that each person is.

People are people.  Every person has value.  Remember as you go through life The Gift You Are and remember that every person you encounter is also a gift and if they are struggling remind them of the gift they are.

Link to the song The Gift You Are by John Denver.  Lyrics are below.

The Gift You Are
by John Denver

Imagine a month of Sundays
Each one a cloudy day
Imagine the moment the sun came shining through
Imagine that ray of sunshine as you

Remember your darkest hour
With dawn still far away
Remember the way that you longed for mornings light
And think of yourself as a candle in the night

Make believe this is the first day
Everything all brand new
Make believe that the sun is your own lucky star
And then understand the kind of gift you are

The gift you are
Like the very first breath of spring
The gift you are
All the joy that love can bring

The gift you are
All of our dreams come true
The gift you are
The gift of you

You are the promise of all the ages
You are the Prodigal Son
You are the vision of prophets and sages
You are the only one

Dream of a bright tomorrow
Know that your dream will come true
Carry your dream in a sparkling crystal jar
Then you will know the kind of gift you are

The gift you are
Like the very first breath of spring
The gift you are
All the joy that love can bring

The gift you are
All of our dreams come true
The gift you are
The gift of you

The gift you are
Like the very first breath of springtime
The gift you are
All the joy that love can bring

The gift you are
All of our dreams come true, yes, they do
The gift you are
The gift of you
The gift you are
The gift of you

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Filed under assumptions, communication, Coping, disabilities, freindship, friends, friendship, handicapp, impressions, Life is a Melting Pot, reality

Running Out Of Time

I realized it was time for me to post another blog and I had not prepared anything.  Where did the time go?  I ran out of time!  Those are phrases that are frequently heard from people everywhere.  It made me think, how is it in this time of modern technology that we are constantly running short on time.  Of all generations, we should have more free time available to us than our ancestors ever did.  Those are phrases I rarely heard people say when I was growing up in the 1960’s and 1970’s.  I really don’t remember them being said very often as little as 25-30 years ago when my children were young.

Image

Running Out of Time

One thing that has not changed is that we still have the same 24-hour time frame per day.  Going back in history people  had to endure more time consuming chores on a daily basis.  They had to care for livestock, cook on wood burning stoves, travel by horse-drawn carriage or on horseback, wash dishes by hand, sew and mend their own clothes, and although wardrobes were smaller then, washing was done on a washboard and hung out to dry.    When they arrived home from a destination they couldn’t simply hop out of the car and run into the home.  It didn’t matter what kind of weather they were traveling in, warm and sunny, pouring rain, or snow storm, they had to take their horses to the barn and groom, feed and water the animal before walking from barn to house.

Once inside the home they couldn’t pull frozen food from the freezer and throw it in the oven or microwave.  They had to prepare it from scratch, light a fire in the stove for cooking and/or in the fireplace for heat.  Once done eating they couldn’t just throw the dishes into the dishwasher, they had to be washed and dried by hand.  If it got late there were no electrical lights to flip on, kerosene lanterns had to be lit.  Once all this was done the women could relax by the fire to mend socks/clothing or other similar tasks while the men could possibly play a little music by hand for entertainment.  This was after a day spent laboring in fields with horse-drawn plows, harvesting crops, cooking, cleaning, or other such labor intensive tasks.

When I was growing up some women worked outside the home, some did not.  While there were more modern conveniences such as automatic washers and dryers, most homes had a wash line in the backyard for hanging clothes out to dry rather than using the automatic dryer.  The fresh scent of air dried clothing is wonderful.  By the 1970’s most families had two cars.  People socialized with all their neighbors on the block, women gathering during the day and couples/families in the evenings.  Many women purchased patterns and fabric to make home-sewn clothing for themselves and children.  The microwave was invented, people enjoyed the convenience of having a deep freeze in their home for food storage, and although the convenience of packaged food was available the majority of meals at home were prepared from scratch.  Children were sometimes involved in an extracurricular activity such as band, theater or sports, but for the most part children were home after school unless they were of an age where they might hold an after school job.  Families had a TV, but only one.  I don’t recall hearing our parents complain about a lack of time to get things done, life seemed more relaxed.

Now we have far more conveniences to make our lives easy, but at the same time we seem to have complicated our lives to the point where people are more stressed and complain about a lack of time.  Our children’s lives are scheduled with a multitude of extracurricular activities, both parents often work outside the home and there are many more single-parent families.  Grocery stores carry a wide variety of selections, in the summer farmers markets can be found in abundance, and yet people eat more fast-food, restaurant food, or frozen/processed food at home then in the past.  We drive vehicles that allow us to do quick-stop oil changes, automatic car washes and other maintenance that requires very little time.  We have microwaves, automatic dishwashers, washers and dryers, and permanent press wrinkle free clothing for easy maintenance, not to mention larger wardrobes than any of our ancestors ever did.  People still socialize, but not to the level that they did in the past.  We have numerous modern conveniences to free our time and yet we are constantly complaining that we are unable to get things done.  Why?

While we have many modern conveniences designed to save us time, we also have many that cause us to waste great amounts of time, easily several hours on a daily basis.  If you are stressed to get things done analyze how you are spending your time.  How much time do you spend in front of the TV?  Check the time you spend online surfing the web or on social networking sights.  Hours can easily be lost as the interaction with online friends is constant.  Even when out of the home many people now carry smart phones that allow them to constantly check their social networking sights, do email, and play games while out and about.  We are at the immediate beck and call of anyone who wants to reach us because of our cell phones.  Then there are the video and/or internet games.  You can become attached to one or many of those and also loose valuable time trying to achieve the next level or outscore your friends.

Something I haven’t done but could prove interesting would be to to keep track of time wasted sitting in front of the TV and time spent on the computer in non-productive activities such as social networking or game playing during a one week period.  My assumption is I would be shocked at the amount of time I spend participating in those activities.  That is a challenge to any of you who hear yourself constantly saying you have run out of time, have no time, and don’t know where the time went.  Log the time you spend per week on such time-wasting activities and see if you can find some additional time that can be regained into more productive tasks.

If you take part in my challenge to analyze your wasted time, I would love to have you come back to this blog and share your findings.  It will be interesting to see if my thoughts are correct.    I look forward to hearing from all of you in the near future.

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