Tag Archives: emotion

Benefits of Hitting a Brick Wall

When I started this blog my intent was to begin building a reader base and to also write a book about the events that surrounded my husband and I attempting to foster and adopt our granddaughters.  We were denied contact, denied the ability to foster, DHS fought the recommendation in our favor on adopting the oldest child, and the girls were eventually adopted out to strangers, not family.  I wrote about it in Attempted Adoption: An Emotional Whirlwind three years ago.

I also began a memoir at the same time about the events surrounding that time in our life.  I got the first draft of the first four chapters written and then my life turned into a turmoil and I sat it aside.  I have had it tumbling around in my brain and do want to get back into the writing.

At the time I was working on those first four chapters I knew something didn’t seem right but I couldn’t figure out what it was.  I have just completed reading  The Truth of Memoir by Kerry Cohen and now know what was wrong.   I was writing when I was still angry at what happened.  If you write from an angry/frustrated viewpoint you do not treat the people in your book fairly.  I wanted to get back at Child Protective Services, Department of Human Services, Michigan Children’s Institute, the guardian ad litem, the judge…everyone who had a part in denying us our grandchildren.  There were other people who also frustrated me, such as my son’s ex-wife who was addicted to pain killers, which played a roll in the children being taken, and my son who was caught doing home invasions and went to prison for a lengthy enough period of time that his parental rights would be terminated.

When I started the book I felt it important to tell our story, to help people realize that this is a corrupt system and it is a nationwide problem.  At the same time I was out to make those I felt treated us unfairly look bad.  While their behavior may have been deplorable, I still need to treat them with fairness in the book, meaning I need to stress that it is my viewpoint.  I also need to make allowances for the fact that these people were doing their job, and recognize that it can be a pretty horrid job to be involved in.  While emotion is important to a memoir, so is understanding and fairness.

Memoir - not about blame or hurtSo what do I do now?  I pick up where I left off and keep on writing.  When I have completed the first draft I will go back and re-work, edit, and tweak every chapter.  From a legal standpoint I have to determine for which persons I will use real names and which people will have their name changed.  As I work my way through the writing and editing process I may on occasion share a small section here as a post.

My brick wall was life, but in the end it was a good wall to hit when it came to my writing.  I have had time to process the events now.  While I may not agree with the process and outcome, I can now deal more fairly with each person in my memoir.  The benefit of hitting that wall is that my writing will now be better because of it.

 

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Filed under Adoption, celebration, Child Protective Services, children, Coping, CPS, Department of Human Services, DHS, education, Family, Foster Care, Life is a Melting Pot, memoir

Reflecting on the Reasons

On Thanksgiving Day my cousin, Michelle, who lost her husband to cancer about a month ago, had a post on Facebook stating how Charlie had loved Thanksgiving, had been the main meal planner, did the shopping, cooking,  and eating.  Not only was she grieving the loss of her husband, but their family tradition every year involves going around the table and each person saying what they are thankful for.  Michelle posted that she wasn’t sure how she would answer this year because every year she always said the same thing…her family, her job, the love of her amazing husband and that he continued to kick cancer’s butt.

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  Michelle and Charlie – Photos “stolen” from her Facebook Page

This year Charlie didn’t kick cancer’s butt, it kicked him.  Hard.  He was still working about two weeks prior to his passing.  He went down fast.  When I read her post I didn’t even hesitate, I just started typing.  My comment to her was:

“I know what you are thankful for, it is the same thing I am thankful for.  Neither Charlie or Ron are sick, nauseous, in pain, or in any way suffering from that horrid disease.  Maybe they have found each other in heaven and are getting acquainted by trading photography tips and stories.” 

After I posted the above response the reality hit me.  I may have used my ankle surgery as an excuse for choosing to spend the holiday solo, but the reality was I didn’t want to do the meal preparations alone, at least not this year.  Ron and I had always prepared it jointly.  I stuffed the bird and baked the sweet potatoes.  Ron did the potatoes, sometimes re-baked, sometimes mashed, sometimes both.  Ron made the fruit salad.  I did the green bean casserole.  One of us made the gravy, and the list goes on.

Last year I did it all alone, but that was different.  Ron was too sick to participate in the preparations in 2015, but he was still here.  He came to the table, had a few bites of food, and went back to the couch.  Austin (our 9-year old grandson) spent most of the day sitting next to Ron.  Eleven days later Ron was gone.

I realized that regardless of how well I have adjusted there will be moments when things hit me, and sometimes I won’t realize it at the time.  What I posted to Michelle in the comments is true.  I am glad that Ron is no longer struggling to swallow, weak, or sick from the combination of chemo and the disease itself.   I have moved on with my life, I have made the adjustment to being alone.  How do I know?time-dont-rush-anything

Another question that Michelle had posed to me a week or two earlier was how I handled going through Ron’s belongings.  She was struggling with that step.  My answer, you will know when you are ready, because it will be just another task, not an emotional roller coaster.  I only recently started cleaning Ron’s clothes out of the closet.   I told Michelle that I hadn’t unpacked the bag of Ron’s clothes I brought home from hospice the day he died until a few weeks ago.  That bag had been in my closet unopened for 11 months.  I was finally ready.  No emotions, just clothes to put away.

Everyone is different and processes loss at different levels.  From time to time there will probably be something that triggers a memory or an emotion.  We are, after all, human.

So in answering my cousin’s post in an effort to help her cope with her loss, I gained insight into my own reasons for being so adamant about not preparing the meal this year.  Next year will be different.  If I don’t have people here I will be gone and doing something.  Possibly volunteer at a kitchen that provides meals for the needy.  Home alone will not become a habit of mine, of that I am certain.

 

 

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Filed under cancer, Coping, death, decisions, Family, Holidays, Illness, Life is a Melting Pot, Meals

Burst or Blossom

Burst or Blossom, that wonderful set of emotions that takes us through difficult times and decisions.  An emotional roller coaster.  You may handle those hills and valleys okay, but you probably won’t want to get on again.

That is what this past few days has felt like to me.  It started Thursday and Friday when my daughter, Caroline, came over to take apart and move a few things in preparation for our yard sale.  She disassembled a baby bed, moved a book case, then  took apart and moved a computer. Everything was moved into a spare bedroom and by the time she left that room was packed.

On Friday while I was at work my Caroline and her boyfriend, Rob,  came over and moved one computer desk out of an upstairs bedroom and put it out for the yard sale and moved a different one I had into the room.  Then later Caroline came back and we worked on setting things out for the sale and tarped them to sit overnight.

During the weekend I finally made the plunge and started cleaning my deceased husband’s clothes out of our closet.  I only did the jeans so far, but now that I have started I will finish.  The man had 40 pair of jeans!  His clothes should be put to good use, so if they don’t sell in lots locally I will donate them.

Sorting through a small portion of the items Ron had purchased or found in scrapping, at garage sales and estate sales I made a few discoveries, items that were “keepers” such as a nice pot for an indoor plant and a really neat looking nightlight/mini lamp that is now in my bedroom.

In the process of prepping for the yard sale I made some changes to the decor, and have plans for further changes.  Slowly changing the house and removing things Ron liked that I didn’t care for.  Making it more mine rather than ours.  It is a slow process, and the changes are only minor, but after nine months I am finally ready to make them.

Labor Day weekend arrived and was beautiful weather for a 3-day yard sale.  The amount of items my husband had obtained through scrap, garage sale and estate sales was massive.   There is still more we haven’t even touched.  When the sale was done there were some things we saved for another sale next year, some items we threw out, and some that we sent to a charity.

So, on my roller coaster ride of emotions from once again tearing up my house and eliminating possessions of Ron’s  I have a choice – I can burst from all the frustration or blossom under the change and strength I gain from moving forward.  Regardless of what I am thinking, I prefer to do the later.   And so I forge ahead in the sorting and changing of my home.

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Filed under Cleaning, Coping, decisions, Discoveries, Family, home, Life is a Melting Pot, memoir, time

When Emotions Surprise You

When my mother passed away May 24, 2013 my dad asked my sister, Carol, and I to go through and clean out mom’s things.  We had started working on it but had not yet completed the task when our Dad passed away on December 3, 2014.

It was in January or February that I started making the 2-1/2 hour drive to their home so Carol and I could work together going through their belongings, sorting things out, taking what we wanted.  They had moved into the house in 1966 when I was six years old.  The accumulation was massive.Emotion - memories taken for granted

Throughout the process we found things that made us go “why?”, such as boxes and boxes of health-care books.  We found things that were funny, items we could use in genealogy, photographs that were fun to flip through, collectibles, and numerous other things.  One of the neatest discoveries was four boxes labeled “treasures” that were filled with family heirlooms and lists typed by my mother on an old-fashioned typewriter giving the information on each “treasure”, such as how the family acquired it, who had owned it, etc.  Those four boxes were a genuine, exciting surprise.  Finding Treasures was definitely fun.

It was an exhaustive process and when we finally reached the point where we had sorted through and removed everything we wanted, it was time to call a company for an estate sale.

Emotion - when something breaks your heartThe estate sale was Wednesday and Thursday this week.  It was rainy, windy,  and cold, but the street was a busy flow of cars and people were making purchases.  Everything was under control when I arrived to see how things were going.

What surprised me was the emotional impact it had on me when I entered the home.  I never expected it to be that difficult.  I was glad to be done with the sorting and cleaning, glad that I now longer have to spend all my weekends there.   When I walked through the door and saw strangers digging through my parent’s  belongings, walking around in the house I had grown up in, it was hard.   I was swallowing and blinking my eyes to keep from crying.  I maintained my control, walked through the house, and didn’t fall apart until I got back into my car.Emotion - smile, hold back the tears and walk away

Then I tried to analyze why I had such a hard time.  Was it because it felt like a personal invasion to have strangers going through their belongings?  Was it because it was the house I grew up in and soon would be out of our hands?   It is hard to explain.  It could have been one of those things, it could have been a combination, I will probably never know.  I was shocked at my own emotional reaction.

Emotion - upset specific to those who careI did go back to the house later and again the next day and did not re-experience that initial emotional hit.  The sale is now over.  We sold a ton but have lots of things left.  Now we have to figure out how to get rid of as much as possible.  Life is never dull….Life is a Melting Pot!

 

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Filed under Family, Life Changing, Life is a Melting Pot