Tag Archives: friendship

Friend Frustration

It is a difficult dilemma, deciding how you want to handle a friendship that has times that are good and times that are frustrating.  This was a difficult situation, one which I contemplated over for literally months.  I hope the end result has a positive outcome.  The ultimate deciding factor was based on two areas that came into play….the friend’s emotional needs and my emotional needs.

This friendship is long-term.  We were very close for eight years, then completely out of contact for twenty-nine years.  In 2009 we connected on Facebook, doing the occasional Instant-Messenger chat, commenting on each other’s posts from time-to-time.  Nothing major.  Just casual contact.   That all changed in 2015.

In 2015 I was making regular trips back to my hometown to work on cleaning out my parent’s home.  My friend suggested we go out to dinner, and after about three months I finally agreed.  It was like deja vu.  Friends - someone is special when you eventually get together again and its like you didn't miss a beat

He picked me up at my parent’s home, which had the same furniture it did when he last set foot in it back in 1980.  We had a great time chatting about his marriage and kids, my husband’s battle with cancer and my kids.  We talked about our siblings and parents.  A connection that went way back.  It was a wonderful evening and after dinner we went back to the house, I invited him in and we continued to talk for a couple more hours before he went home.

It was a connection we were glad was re-established.  Throughout that summer I was making frequent trips into town hand he would on occasion stop by and visit for a couple hours.  It was a nice friendship, familiar, comfortable, but different.  We also maintained contact with conversations on Instant Messenger and an occasional telephone call.

We both realized that there was still an attraction there.  However we were both married and did not step outside of the boundaries of respective marriages.  Then the playing field changed.  My husband lost his battle with cancer.  We maintained the messenger and telephone contact for about three months, and then it tapered off.  He stopped responding to emails or instant messages for extended periods of time.

Friends - someone who speaks to you on their free time v someone who frees time to speak to youI found this frustrating as he suffers from depression and I would wonder how he was doing.  Then suddenly I would receive an email or message.  There were always reasons for his disappearance…busy, kids, grandchildren, sickness, depression…but were they reasons, or excuses?   In my opinion there is a fine line between the two, and I wasn’t quite sure on which side it fell.  Things would improve for a bit but eventually would fall back into the old pattern.

After a while I decided I wasn’t going to continue to pursue a one-sided friendship in which I always initiated the contact.  Instead I would wait and see what happened, and each time I did that I would ultimately receive a message from him usually by email.  He would apologize for his lack of contact and say he had been busy, sick, depressed, whatever, always wanting to preserve the friendship.  And so the cycle went.  This became a roller coaster ride that was irritating.  I didn’t like the feeling that I was making the effort and he was responding when it suited him.  I want the friendship, but not on those terms.  friendship - ignore me and I will ignore you

March 30th of this year rolled around and I received another email.   This one got down to the emotional nitty-gritty, it was honest.  The best one I’ve received because it got to the core of the situation.   He wants to remain friends, but the line is grey for him right now.  There are a lot of factors I am aware of but am not going to elaborate on.  Let’s just say that email put everything into perspective.  He is trying to get his mind straight and I have to be removed from the picture for now.  I’m good with that.  He closed with “Hopefully your friend.”

So what did I do?  I responded.  I don’t know if my response helped or hurt him in his situation, but it helped me in mine.  I was honest.  I told him we are still friends but that I find the friendship frustrating, that a person’s interest in maintaining a friendship is related to their response or lack thereof.   I pointed out that they say ex-lovers can be friends for one of two reasons:  either they were never in love or they still are.  That is the grey area.  I have accepted my grey area and can live with it.  A ghost from the past is not the reality of the present.  We are both different people than we were in 1980.

Then I tossed the ball in his court.  I can handle the give-and-take of being friends, but it is his decision on whether to respond and maintain the friendship.  If he decides to respond great.  If not I move on and don’t worry about it.  This decision was based on my emotional needs, not his, but it also supports his need for distance at this time.

So now I wait.  We are still connected on Facebook.  He has “liked” a couple of my posts; I have “liked” a couple of his.  Do I hope he contacts me at some point in the future?  Absolutely.  I will always be his friend, that is a given.  He is intelligent, funny, challenges the brain.  We have a past, a comfort level of true friends, a connection that can not be replaced.

I hope that right now we are just taking a break and that eventually the friendship is re-established on a more personal level.  However I will not allow my emotions to feel trampled by the friendship.  That is also a given and I have made that clear to him through my actions.

And that, my friends, is how you deal with a frustrating friendship.

 

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Filed under communication, Coping, decisions, Discoveries, freindship, friends, friendship, habit, impressions, Life Changing, Life is a Melting Pot, mind, reality, time

Crash and Climb

We all have a vision of how our life will be, who will be a part of our journey, our plans and dreams for the future.  Sometimes that plan goes untested.  Sometimes it has twists and turns, and those can lead to the ultimate crash.

When you crash you have two options — Crash and Burn or Crash and Climb.  If you crash and burn you have allowed circumstances to take control of your life.  Instead you need to crash and climb out of the rubble, rebuilding your life.  Remap your life, make new plans and dreams.  Great things can happen that would never have occurred before you hit that wall.comfort-zone-adventure-out-of-it-to-grow

During the climb you will learn new skills, new relationships will form.  People will enter your life and impact you in ways you never before imagined.  They may influence the way you conduct business, handle finances, travel, view life, invade your mind or leave a mark on your heart.

I hit a brick wall fourteen months ago when my husband lost his battle with cancer.  I have spent the past year climbing out of the rubble and rebuilding my life.  A good friend has knowingly or unknowingly guided me in the process.  They have pushed me beyond my comfort zone, asked questions to inspire my thought process.  Not judgmental, but thought provoking inquiries such as “How do you plan to do that?”  and “What are your plans for the future?”

I am happy with my life.  It isn’t what I originally planned, but that is okay.  I have climbed out of the rubble and embraced the change.  I have done things I never would have done prior to the crash.  I have developed friendships I never would have made before I hit that wall.

No matter how good life was before the crash, embrace the change.  Value the friendships.  Enjoy the journey.  Believe that the best is yet to come.

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Filed under Coping, decisions, Discoveries, freindship, friends, friendship, Life Changing, Life is a Melting Pot

Too Busy for Friends

I saw a quote that made me wonder about friendships/relationships.  The quote dealt with people who make excuses that they are too busy to respond or don’t put forth an effort to maintain contact.  If a person is interested in being a part of your life, then they will make some effort to be in it.  life - if someone wants to be in it they will make time

This involved both self reflection and viewpoint on people I deal with.  I realized that because my husband and I enjoyed spending the majority of our free time together without the involvement of others I am in the habit of doing things on my own rather than calling a friend to go with me.  Now that my husband is deceased I need to train myself to make contact with people, become more social.  Habits are hard to break and I am concerned that people may view my lack of initiating contact as lack of interest.  I need to break the mold and step outside my safety box into new thinking.

I realize that people who reached out to me about getting together for dinner, etc. may think I’m not interested in maintaining the friendship when I don’t reciprocate with similar suggestions,  when in reality it is because I need to reprogram my brain to reach out to others for friendship.  I will say that when people suggest a get together I am happy to join them.  I am also responsive on social media or email, and will make first contact on social media.  I am not totally unsocial, I just have areas that need improvement.  I did take a step in the right direction last week when a couple artists were talking about going out to dinner after an event and I asked if I could join them.   It was a wonderful, fun evening.

life - ignoring you - will you make an effortNow on the other side of the coin, we all know people we have made the effort to maintain contact with and yet the responses are not forthcoming or we get excuses of “I was going to write/call/respond but have been busy.”  I can understand that from time to time, but when the lack of response become repetitive you have to wonder where you fall on their list of friendship priorities.  Somewhere you have to draw the line and decide you are moving on and if they want to be a part of your life they will notice your disappearance and seek you out.  If they don’t you haven’t lost anything.  Life - Priorities - your place on their schedule

We live in a busy, fast-paced world where people don’t interact on a personal level so much as on a social media level.  We need to re-establish the art of friendship.  Reach out to people.  Respond when they reach out to you.  When you are with a friend put down the phone and talk to the person you are with.  Make people you want to spend time with a priority in your life.  If people don’t make you a priority in theirs then you know where you stand and it is time to move on.

 

 

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Filed under assumptions, decisions, Discoveries, Family, freindship, friends, friendship, impressions, Life is a Melting Pot, mind

Become Friends with People Who Aren’t Like You

Become friends with people who aren't your age, language, etcI stumbled across this saying this week and I think it holds a lot of good advise.  I have done all the things listed in the photo.  If you haven’t, then you don’t know what you are missing.

Being friends with people who are of a different age group than you has benefits.  Those who are older have knowledge to share, have lived through portions of history that took place before you were born, and have grown up without many of the everyday conveniences you now take for granted.

Friends who are younger are refreshing and vibrant.  They have a different viewpoint on life because they have grown up in a technology and computer based world.    Their life experiences are different.  Their expectations for what they can get out of life and career are broader based.  You have lived through portions of history that took place before they were born.

I have a friend who grew up in India and came to America when she got married.  She had an arranged marriage and had only met her husband 2-3 times before they were wed.  She learned to speak English after coming to this country.  We spent seventeen years working together.  We discussed everything from culture, marriage, religion, children, and mourning/funeral practices.  When you become friends with someone whose first language and culture is different then yours it can be a very rewarding experience from which you both grow from the knowledge acquired in the sharing of information.

Getting to know someone who is not from your same social class is probably the most intimidating and most difficult of all of the contacts listed.  However it opens you eyes to the way other people live and can broaden your understanding of what those people cope with on a daily basis.  Someone who comes from a higher social class than yours can make you feel intimidated, uncomfortable, and possibly lacking in the fine, cultural knowledge that frequently accompanies such status.  On the other hand, someone who comes from a lower social class than yours may also make you uncomfortable.  You may be shocked at the condition of their clothing, furniture, housing, where they shop for clothes, or any other multitude of things.  Whether dealing with someone of a higher or lower social class it is important to remember, we are all people, and just because someone is different, doesn’t mean they lack value, compassion, or understanding.

It is easy to make assumptions about people who are different than us.  Destroying those assumptions and converting them into friendly contacts is beneficial for all.  That is the basis of achieving peace.  Whether the friendships you develop are based strictly on work relationships, club relationships or friendships that grow and develop beyond those areas, they are still valuable resources for stepping outside of your comfort zone and experiencing something different, which is always enlightening.

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Filed under assumptions, communication, friends

Celebrate Independence Day

St Clair Fireworks 2

Photo by Grace Grogan; copyright 2014

Wishing everyone a safe and happy 4th of July.  I am glad that I live in a city that still believes in having their 4th of July Fireworks on the appropriate day, so on Saturday evening I will be enjoying bursts of color shot from a barge over the St. Clair River.   With Ron and I being photographers, we watch with cameras on tripods to capture the event.

My weekend is kicking off with a visit from my best friend, Vicki, who lives four hours away.  We haven’t seen each in several months.  She and her boyfriend are taking a motorcycle trip along the eastern coast of Michigan this weekend and are stopping in for the night.

Fireworks as viewed from Palmer Park in St. Clair.  Photo by Grace Grogan  Copyright 2014

Fireworks as viewed from Palmer Park in St. Clair. Photo by Grace Grogan Copyright 2014

The Blue Water Area is full of things to do on this weekend.  The Blue Water Sandfest, an amateur and professional sand sculpting event is being held at the Ft. Gratiot Lighthouse, Algonac is having their Pickerel Festival, and there are numerous other events throughout the area as well.

Wishing Everyone a Safe and Happy 4th of July.

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Filed under Holidays, Life is a Melting Pot

Re-Connecting with Old Friends

Friend - meeting after a long time and nothing has changedWhen I saw this image I instantly made a connection with it.  This has happened to me twice.  Once several years ago and again within the past couple months.

While it is always fun to have a wide assortment of friends and to make new friends wherever you go, there is something of value that cannot be replaced with a long-standing friendship.  A friendship that regardless of how long you have not spoken or how long you have been apart maintains an unexplainable level of comfort.  Those are the friendships to be treasured.

I have a friend I met when we were both attending business college back in 1978.  We quickly became friends and although I was only at the school a few months we remained friends.  All of our lives we have lived about four hours apart and contact was limited.

Once I left college we only saw each other a few times.  Vicki got married and I attended her wedding.  Then I got married and when I became pregnant she brought her daughter, a toddler, to my baby shower.  That was the last time we saw each other for several years.

There was no internet, so communication was either phone or snail mail.  With us snail mail was all we did, long distance calls were expensive.  Eventually computers and internet became a way of life and we connected via email, sending each other lengthy emails on an almost daily basis. We were email friends, but still had not seen each other in about 20 years.

When my youngest child was going to be attending a camp in Indiana I realized I would be traveling through Vicki’s area to drop him off.  I inquired about hotels in the area where I might be able to stay on the return trip and then visit her.  Vicki’s immediate response was that I could come stay with her.  I accepted.

Neither of us were concerned about re-connecting in person after so many years.  The man she was dating at the time was, and asked if she wasn’t concerned that we would run out of things to talk about and get bored.  She wasn’t.  We didn’t.   We had a great time, I taught Vicki about scrapbooking, a hobby of mine, and got her hooked  After that we spent years meeting halfway between our homes several times a year to do scrapbooking crops at a large store, then later at her mother’s house.  Recently she came and stayed at my home a couple times to scrap.

We have once again reached a point where we are not getting together as often due to certain commitments in our respective lives.  Sometime in the near future Vicki will be moving out of state to live near her daughter and grandchildren.  However we have a fast and firm friendship.  We have to stay friends, we know too much about each other to ever become enemies!

My more recent connection was on a much different level.  It was someone who I met when I was in 7th grade, 11 years old and he was in 8th grade, 12 years old.  Brad followed me home from school to get my phone number and from that point on until I was 19 and he 20 we were boyfriend/girlfriend off and on, but more on than off.  Everyone assumed we would eventually marry, but we didn’t.  I was the one that made the final break when I met the person that is now and has been my husband for the past 33 years.

I only saw Brad twice after that, once at a mutual friend’s home, and once when he came over to exchange belongings.  When I married I moved two hours away.  I would get updates, or mutual friends would make comments about him on occasion, but we had no contact.

About two years ago we connected on Facebook.  I don’t remember who made the friend request.  However I am more of a Facebook fanatic than Brad is, so most of our communication has been through IM messages.  We have extensive periods of time when there is no contact.  Although I occasionally traveled to  my old hometown, that was for the purpose of visiting family and we never saw each other.

Two years ago my mother passed away, and then my father six months ago.  That left an entire house for my sister and I to empty out, and it is the house they moved into in 1966, the one I grew up in.  A lot of things to go through, so I began making trips home on alternating weekends to do clean-out.  Brad was aware and suggested on one of those trips we get together for dinner or coffee.

About a month ago we did just that.  Brad came to my parents home to pick me up, which was a bit of deja vu.  We had a nice time at dinner reconnecting, and I invited him into the house to continue the conversation after dinner.  It was an enjoyable evening talking about our parents, siblings, spouses, children and grandchildren.   We ended the evening agreeing we would have to do it again sometime.

Brad and I had not seen each other since 1980, but it was a comfortable interaction..  I am glad we reconnected and value the friendship, which I anticipate will grow stronger as time passes.  A friendship developed from old memories of times gone by, but continuing to build through the sharing our current life accomplishments and challenges.

True Friendship is something to cherish, hold dear, and enjoy.  Strong, long-time friendships are the best.

Friends - best friends - don't talk every day but when do its as if you never stopped

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Filed under communication, Life is a Melting Pot

EVERYONE LOVES A LETTER

I was thinking the other day about how everyone loves to receive a letter in the mail.  Not email, but good old fashioned brought by the postal worker in an envelope mail.  Society has become so technology based that the idea of sending someone written correspondence rather than an email is just not thought of or used very often, but it should be for the sheer pleasure it brings.

DSC_0015crop

Country Mailbox Photo by Grace Grogan

What do we love about birthdays and holidays?  The cards that we receive in the mail.  That old fashioned, someone took the time to get a card, sign it by hand, write out an envelope and mail it.  That personal touch means something more than an email or Facebook posting.  It means a person cared enough to put a little extra time and effort into sending their wish.  You don’t necessarily have to write it out by hand, but that does add an additional personal touch.  A letter or card that stands out from the stack of bills brings everyone a bit of pleasure.

Back when I was a child/teenager I had pen pals.  These were people of the same age as me that I had never met, but we had all contacted an organization looking for pen friends in other countries and were connected.  At one time I had several pen friends in countries around the world.  I am still in contact with one friend, Waana, who lives in New Zealand.  Unfortunately we don’t correspond by “snail mail” anymore and are connected on Facebook, but somewhere I have all the letters I ever received from her packed away.  It was a special friendship, a connection that could not be had elsewhere.

As I was writing this blog I did a search online and discovered International PenFriends, an organization that exists today for the purpose of joining people from different countries who will correspond by postal mail.  If you do a Google search for Pen Pal Organizations you will find several with different criteria including international, domestic, and even prisoners who desire pen pals.  You may wonder why one would want to write to a stranger, someone they have never met, when they have enough hustle and bustle in their world.   The reason is simple, writing to someone and sharing aspects of your life is rewarding.  Once you get into the habit you will likely find pleasure in sending out those letters, including photos and other trinkets that represent your life or the area where you live.  You will also get to experience the joy of opening up the mailbox and finding a letter from someone that is personal, a sharing of their life with you.

Handwritten letters are treasured.  Think of how exciting it is when you find letters or cards that were written by parents, grandparents or others who are now deceased.  You treasure those items.  Written personal correspondence takes you back to a time when things were more relaxed.  When that letter arrives you are not sitting in front of a computer screen with it one of many in your inbox, you are holding the envelope in hand, look at the stamp, if handwritten notice the stationary,  sit back in a chair and enjoy the pleasure of reading a letter written on a piece of paper.

Venture out into the world of writing to someone, even someone who is not likely to respond such as an elderly relative or someone suffering from disease or illness.  Your letters or cards will bring that person joy, give them hope and something to look forward to.  In giving to others you reap the rewards of satisfaction providing another person with the happiness.    If you receive a card or letter in return then you will know the pleasure such acts bring.  Enjoy!

 

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Filed under Family, friendship, Life is a Melting Pot, Uncategorized, Writing